The Joys of Life

It has been 3 days (edit: make that 3 months as I stopped drafting this halfway and have been busy till now) since I touched down in Singapore Changi Airport and it has been a long period of recollection of memories and experiences gained while in Rockhampton, Queensland, reaffirmation of what I already know and reminiscing. Lots and lots of reminiscing.

For the uninitiated, Rockhampton is a small, quaint town. Laid back and quiet, it channels a different vibe from Singapore. For the tourist then, this is a bane, for shopkeepers pull down their shutters 5 minutes before the stated closing time. Last order is at 9 for most restaurants. The streets are quiet at 6 pm. This was the town in which I spent my 10 nights.

In the days, I was off to Shoalwater Bay Training Area for work. Battling sand flies, horseflies and other critters, enduring the scorching heat (up to 40 degrees!) in the day and freezing cold at night, this trip was not an easy one. Waiting around for things to happen - to be rewarded with nothing.

Why reminisce then?

I boldly proclaimed once that I could survive without human companionship; as long as I had all the basic necessities, there was no need for anyone to be beside me. Thus began my long struggle between proving myself right and desperately wishing I was wrong.

This trip has shown me how wrong I have been.


I have been to Australia for an exercise before, the exact same one I went for this year. The previous trip was short, uneventful and filled with a singular purpose - work.


In the first six days of my trip, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Wrong location, wrong timing, wrong instructions - all these worked against me, worked against us. This being a common occurance, I was not surprid. What seemed out of the ordinary was this: not once was there any grievance aired. Sure, there were mock grumbles and the odd jab at our predicament, but the bunch of people I was with gamely stepped up to the challenge and took it in their stride. "No need for apologies..."

So, it was not the town, it was not the training area or even the troops that were there that made this trip any different. It was the team that went Down Under, the people from the different departments that made the trip bearable and even somewhat fun.

It was the 5th night that we spent outfield. While I froze in the outback at night, wishing I had prepared a little more for the stay, it was Hel on Earth. Yet, that night yielded the greatest experience I had ever endured. It was the enthusiasm of friendship that kept us watching the galaxies and shooting stars, the warmth of company that allowed me to survive that cold desert night.

I loved that most memorable night. Thinking back now, I wouldn’t have wished for any other situation.

In my job, I have met people I cannot work with, people I can work with, people I can live with and people I cannot live without. I was wrong to say that I did not need human companionship - I now think that I would die a little each day if I did not have someone to talk to everyday. During this trip, I have made friends, strengthened working relationships and re-evaluated others.

I have also forged a friendship that I hope will last for a long time to come.

To Lose Heart

It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. Paraphrased (as close to the statement in my memory as possible) of course, but no less true.

Today, I woke up with a realisation that to lose love is to lose heart. The illustrations of many a publication should have given me this cathartic conclusion but idly, my mind ignored the subtleties of the images. When someone leaves you, be it a relative, a spouse or just a significant other, they take a piece of you with them. Neither gray matter nor osseous tissue, but an unseen muscle.

The heart is hidden and protected via wondrous designs - the thick flesh of the pectoralis major, the flexible yet strong ribcage. Yet, the metaphorical heart can be lost so... easily.

Given and never reclaimed.

When you love someone, you will never stop loving them. How else can you love? To lose love is to lose heart: to lose the faith that the world is not such a cruel place, the belief that there can be some purpose for existing other than to survive and procreate, the strength to strive on to be a better man.

Carry on then, as an empty husk of a human being. For without heart, there can be no living.

Bookmarks

I have not been on this blog for a very long time. A long break from the monotony of work should have fixed that, but when things like this fall out of habit, it is not something that comes to mind.

The impetus for this post stems from a friend leaving Singapore today and from another friend's writing sometime back. Of course since today is a no work, lazy afternoon expanse of time, mass media has its hand in it too. What else can fiction do except mirror real life?

It will be another year before I follow the footsteps of many a Singaporean student. Taking a flight that lasts 6 to 24 hours may seem a necessary evil for a temporary stay. Make that stay more permanent and a flight becomes more than just stepping on a plane.

I am not one to use bookmarks - the physical piece of card, often with a frilly tail - to remind myself where I have stopped in a book. I rely on memory (I am on page 142 in "Kidnapped" by Robert Louis Stevenson) or in most cases, reading the book till the very end before putting in down.

Chapter is to book as ________ is to life. Word associations aside, I can only fill that blank with a single word. A flight next year would change that altogether, flipping the page to a new chapter. Thinking about it now, I am desperately looking for something, somewhere, some-when or someone (a combination of everything listed would be nice).

Just to be a bookmark, to be here unchanged and unrelenting, tucked between the pages to let me know that I still have something left behind that I have to come back to. No matter how deeply in love I fall with London.

And I looked over my shoulder at the people still standing there. I wave my goodbyes; they can't hear me anymore.

Hello, is it you you're looking for?

Before a friend of mine left for the United States of A. last year, she messaged me on Google Talk and we talked for a little while. Bearing in mind that she was someone I had not spoken to since we graduated from junior college, I was a little surprised.

She poured out her insecurities, her doubts and feelings about leaving here. No, not so much about leaving, but more about choosing to go there. I did my best to soothe her troubled mind, acting merely as an accessory to help her calm herself down.

When I next talked to her, she was there enjoying herself completely. I was glad for her.

Thinking back, I have never understood why she chose me that night. Why not one of her closer female friends, why not one of her closer male friends for that matter? In junior college we barely talked, past graduation I never saw her again before she left; I now consider myself her acquaintance.

Expanding this thought further leads to suggestion that I have never become more than an acquaintance to many of the people I have come to know (with notable exceptions of course).

Existing for everyone else,
Living for no one at all;
Knock on my door:
Is it you you're looking for?

Proposing contentment as the panacea to all unhappiness is good in theory. In practice though, how can I be satisfied with being only a conduit for all the problems people face? To solve things for others and never share the spoils.

I am still waiting for you to change my mind.

$

It is at the enabler of dreams. It is the root of all evil. It is a construct, one that is indispensable. It is never enough - enough is never enough.

Missing

I miss school. I miss seeing face-to-face people I care for daily, instead of the ever so scarce opportunities today.

I miss the time when things were simpler, when there was less responsibilities and more frivolity. I miss hearing laughter at the most retarded of situations.

There are so many things that I do not realise are missing till they are lost.

My only regret is that I never got to know people better while I had the chance. Now it is gone.

I will never get to know you better.

So Quickly

In 4 days, I will have served my nation for 1 year. In this one 365-day span, I have lost much and learnt much. I have lost my hair, my girlfriend, my liberty and time. Through it all, I have learnt so much about the army (due to my vocation), that I can be anything I want to be with some effort, that everything that is supposed to me mine will eventually come back to me.

In another year, I will be done with my service. I will be one step closer to the rest of my life, which involves me leaving everything familiar behind for a strange new world.

It is too early for goodbyes, but I now feel the urgency of appreciation.