In 4 days, I will have served my nation for 1 year. In this one 365-day span, I have lost much and learnt much. I have lost my hair, my girlfriend, my liberty and time. Through it all, I have learnt so much about the army (due to my vocation), that I can be anything I want to be with some effort, that everything that is supposed to me mine will eventually come back to me.
In another year, I will be done with my service. I will be one step closer to the rest of my life, which involves me leaving everything familiar behind for a strange new world.
It is too early for goodbyes, but I now feel the urgency of appreciation.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Stark Realisation of Crowded Loneliness
I woke up one day, went to work and by lunch had a realisation about how alone I was when I did not conform to the world's expectations of me. I have turned down invitations to drinking sessions, clubbing nights and parties, knowing that I do not believe that having a good time involves such revelry.
As a colleague remarked, "If you go to Zouk with us, I'll pay for everything. Because getting you to go is harder than getting Osama bin Laden to convert to Christianity." I take this comment with pride and I thank my colleagues for never blatantly faulting me for choosing not to go out with them.
With such choices come labels - "loner", "anti-social" are the nicest I can think of - that describe the behaviour. In a world that values cohesion between individuals, silence is no longer golden. Yet, society dictates that such cohesiveness be forged over drinks and (sometimes) the drunken bawdiness that comes with it. Most of the time, at the very least.
I cannot comment on the allure of clubs, bars or parties because I have never been to one. But I have to keep to my moral code; I do not have to be there to know I should not be there. I much rather have a good one-on-one meal with a friend, talking, laughing, bonding. Without the need to make yourself heard over loud music and through dulled senses, shouldn’t this make so much more sense?
I find that there is no sense of closeness within the youth of today except through the conformation to the unwritten rules of enjoying life. By these rules: no, I cannot be a friend till I have seen you puke your guts out into a drain before falling into an alcohol induced coma on the cold bitumen. No, I cannot be true until I have wiggled my way into a dance floor with you, packed to the brim with sweaty grinding individuals partaking in legal molestation. No, I definitely cannot understand you because I have only seen you clearly in the light of day and not through dim cancerous hazes of indoor air.
Though I have mentioned that my colleagues never faulted me outright for my absence, the effect is clear. Energy levels go up on two occasions - a memory of drinking, or a plan for drinking. I am left out of such conversation and though I know it is the right thing to do, I cannot help but feel left out sometimes.
There is no way I can wake up from all of that and still feel at ease with my God, my parents, siblings and myself. I have a duty to each party I have mentioned and expectations must be met. Though there is a loneliness associated with non-conformity, loneliness I can deal with, guilt I cannot.
I end this note with a short prayer: Lord, grant me strength to resist such obvious temptation and in the process honour you in all that I do. Let me be an example to those around me, be the salt and light for you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
As a colleague remarked, "If you go to Zouk with us, I'll pay for everything. Because getting you to go is harder than getting Osama bin Laden to convert to Christianity." I take this comment with pride and I thank my colleagues for never blatantly faulting me for choosing not to go out with them.
With such choices come labels - "loner", "anti-social" are the nicest I can think of - that describe the behaviour. In a world that values cohesion between individuals, silence is no longer golden. Yet, society dictates that such cohesiveness be forged over drinks and (sometimes) the drunken bawdiness that comes with it. Most of the time, at the very least.
I cannot comment on the allure of clubs, bars or parties because I have never been to one. But I have to keep to my moral code; I do not have to be there to know I should not be there. I much rather have a good one-on-one meal with a friend, talking, laughing, bonding. Without the need to make yourself heard over loud music and through dulled senses, shouldn’t this make so much more sense?
I find that there is no sense of closeness within the youth of today except through the conformation to the unwritten rules of enjoying life. By these rules: no, I cannot be a friend till I have seen you puke your guts out into a drain before falling into an alcohol induced coma on the cold bitumen. No, I cannot be true until I have wiggled my way into a dance floor with you, packed to the brim with sweaty grinding individuals partaking in legal molestation. No, I definitely cannot understand you because I have only seen you clearly in the light of day and not through dim cancerous hazes of indoor air.
Though I have mentioned that my colleagues never faulted me outright for my absence, the effect is clear. Energy levels go up on two occasions - a memory of drinking, or a plan for drinking. I am left out of such conversation and though I know it is the right thing to do, I cannot help but feel left out sometimes.
There is no way I can wake up from all of that and still feel at ease with my God, my parents, siblings and myself. I have a duty to each party I have mentioned and expectations must be met. Though there is a loneliness associated with non-conformity, loneliness I can deal with, guilt I cannot.
I end this note with a short prayer: Lord, grant me strength to resist such obvious temptation and in the process honour you in all that I do. Let me be an example to those around me, be the salt and light for you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
There are dreams; and then there are dreams. Sometimes, you are stuck in a elevator that never rises, never falls, the blasted sounds of quiet sickeningly pleasant music deafening you. A fantasy world that you refuse to leave, yet you find yourself plucked from it by your eyelids fluttering open. A fall from an unknown place that jolts you awake. A place where everything, and nothing, makes sense; nothing, and everything, is rational.
In your mind you can do anything, be anyone, be anywhere. Get lost in the smallest expanses in its recesses. Explore the most improbable of situations and pick the one that you like the best. Then you wake up to a reality that chooses your chains.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. The chains that bind sets your limits. And though they start off suffocatingly tight, each attempt to break them loosens them. Yet man is oft tired of liberty and sooner or later that cold steel cocoon becomes a refuge, a place where everything and nothing matters.
In there, man has the peace of mind to dream.
In your mind you can do anything, be anyone, be anywhere. Get lost in the smallest expanses in its recesses. Explore the most improbable of situations and pick the one that you like the best. Then you wake up to a reality that chooses your chains.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. The chains that bind sets your limits. And though they start off suffocatingly tight, each attempt to break them loosens them. Yet man is oft tired of liberty and sooner or later that cold steel cocoon becomes a refuge, a place where everything and nothing matters.
In there, man has the peace of mind to dream.
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