At Peace (Finally)

I had remarked that there were two emotions that would implore me to blog twice in a day: happiness and sadness. Today I have to add another: peacefulness.

Ever since my sudden revelation about my faithlessness earlier today and my resolve to put my all in my Lord and Saviour, I am at peace with myself, with her and with everything that goes on around me. I guess the burden that I have been trying to bear on my own has been lifted by God and my life seems so much lighter, brighter and more beautiful than it ever was before.

No, it doesn't mean that I am no longer hurting because I lost someone I loved. It hurts as badly as it did before. I will cry when I think of her, when I remember everything I had and lost. But now I am no longer angered, embittered or devastated by the reality of the situation because I know this hurt is in God's plan for me and it will pass with the passage of time.

No, I will not forget her completely or even just a little bit. She was placed in my life by God to show me the errors of my ways, and she brought me back to God in different ways. When we were together, her faith and zeal for God breathed life back into my Christian life. I could not ask for anything more than the fellowship and support we had. We made mistakes and when we broke up, I hated God for doing that to me and I idiotically resolved to never look to Him for His plan anymore. Now I know that even this tiny monumental step in time was ordained by Him and His plan is slowly being revealed to me. God shall be the centre of my life from now on and everything I do will be for his glory.

I have been a blessing in her life, by her admission and not mine. As I continue on with my job in the army, continue being the tutor of 4 students, I want to continue being a blessing in others' lives. A tad ego but a goal nonetheless.

I rhetorically asked in an earlier post if I would ever find love again. "No", I adamantly answered. Perhaps this will be true but who can say this certainly this soon? It does not matter to me anymore if I find someone who loves me on this Earth. I will continue loving others the way I love her and God's love will be sufficient for me. If I do find love again? That will be a bonus but one I can live without.

Unknown Horizons

Tomorrow is the beginning of recess week for many of my ex-classmates and friends. Wonderful how time passes so quickly - they've already completed close to two months in university.

Tomorrow I will be taking a taxi down to CMPB to take pictures of interviewees, for publishing in an army publication that most NSFs view as propaganda. Pictures for a publication headed by an editor who treats us as "ikan bilis", our work deemed as not good enough for his expectations. Tomorrow I will be saying the exact same thing about tomorrow's tomorrow. Because there will be no difference for the rest of these two years (or 592 days to be exact).

I have a university position waiting for me in a local university but it is not for a course I want. I know I will be miserable there and nothing will motivate me to stay here and graduate from that double degree. Seeing my friends expand their horizons in the same field that I wish to be in brings me pangs of regret. It brings me back to the time when I had the chance to be a part of it all: the lessons, the breaks, the stress, the fun.

Till today, it has been four long months and I still wonder why I didn't make it then. Am I really not good enough? I have never excelled, always second best in competitive situations. This doubt holds me back even as I submit my application to the best (presently) university in the world for a course that even the best students in the world get rejected from. 22 positions - what are my chances? The other universities I am applying to are not any better, each with around 20 places for international medical students.

I have been told time and time again that I am a bright student, someone with the potential to go to the best universities, to possibly change the world or at least peoples' lives with my abilities. Yet external validation does little to change this little self-belief I have. I am told that I am able. 4 months ago, my confidence was shattered by a variety of circumstances. I do not feel that I am able.

I do not know where I am going or how I am going to get to this unknown place. I worry now that I am not up to medicine (what if they saw it, rejecting me because of that?) and if not medicine, what do I do?

Have you even been on a boat, out in the middle of the ocean and just completely surrounded by never ending bodies of water? Where you can look out and only see water touching the sky? I am being spun around by the waves, tossed by the currents and though I know where I am now, I do not know which shore I will beach on. My outer self seems clear about situations. I have counselled others on their own confused states, advised them on the paths to take out of their problems. This was to the point that others deemed me wise. Inside however, I am perhaps more confused than all of them put together. I see my horizons; I do not know where they will lead.

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It just occurred to me that such feelings of being lost and uncertainty might just be a sign that I have to turn to God. Out of the blue, I was given this memory of Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The paragraphs above seem pointless now that I remember this verse. It would seem that I diverged from God's path 4 months ago. After I broke up with her, after I was rejected, after going through all the things that the army made me do, I think I really forgot who is upholding me till now.

Though now I remember that God's plan is the perfect one for me, I still cannot help by ask why I have to continue on blind faith. Ironic perhaps, but one must be faithful to continue having faith. Faith builds up and when grown strong, it cannot fail. Faith that faith works helps I guess. God has an outline, an unknown syllabus for me. My horizons are still unknown but I just have to attend the lessons He puts me through, and I shall come forth as gold.

I know that this blog is called reminisce, the URL being http://toforget-impossible.blogspot.com. Now, I know that the grace of God will change all that. I may not need to reminisce any more, I will, in time, forget all my past. God, my future is in your hands now. Keep me and glorify your own name through me. Thank you for giving me these sudden answers, these revelations to my thoughts.

An Eternal Question

It was said once by someone that if anyone could predict the behaviour of North Korea or its "Supreme Leader", one would win a Nobel Prize. This of course was an off-handed comment to suggest the unpredictability of the aforementioned nation as well as its propensity to threatening the peace of the rest of the world.

In light of all the world's issues, ranging from natural disasters like floods drowning Bangkok and droughts in China, to man-made ones like Japan's nuclear calamity and political upheavals in Libya and Egypt (etc. of course), it would seem then that the only question I have is trivial. A waste of time and mind perhaps, as some might say, better spent finding solutions to other more pressing problems.

It was a question planted in my mind some time ago. It resurfaced when my colleague mused at its irony. So, can true, pure unconditional love ever exist between persons? If not, in what modified form did I give and experience it? I thought I experienced such love but thinking back, she never really did love me the way she claimed she did. This could bias the discussion below so caveat emptor.

The premise of unconditional love is for one to love a person in his (or her) entirety, to love him for his qualities, flaws and so on. Every single cell/molecule if one wants to put it that way. It also asks one to love another without expecting love in return, or anything for one's self for that matter. It is a self-sacrificial love, perfect in its purest form. To think of the other without thinking for one's self.

Yet to love a person is to want the person to change for the better. It is human imperative to help a loved one be the best he can be. And how can it possible to love someone's flaws and still want them to change? Unconditional love is freely given and infinite. It does not end, no matter what, even if one observes flaws in a person. It perhaps is not so much the irony of unconditional love but the paradox of it - to love flaws one wants the person the change is not loving it at all.

It was proposed that unconditional love is an impossible concept for humans, only possible from God (a perfect being). Instead true love between (imperfect) individuals is said to be "conditioned" love, where kinks can be ironed out without losing the love he once showered on her and vice versa. In absolute terms, this is not unconditional love anymore but something modified to support and help each other in any committed or close relationship.

Thinking back to the times when I was still with her, I can say that there was neither unconditional love on my part, nor on hers. One reason she gave for the break up was my insistence that she changed parts of her life. She never did see that I meant it for her own good, she was too involved, blinded and stubborn to understand what I wanted for her. Though she insisted that she always thought for me, my feelings and ex cetera, I never saw it when she went about doing things behind my back and justifying it at the end of the day. Her words never held any weight, her promises worth even less. She never saw the blades she stabbed into me each and every time that happened. She left me bleeding and bled me dry without a second thought.

Yet she said she loved me. Unconditionally. I do not know what she meant by this love because betraying someone this cruelly and hurting someone so badly would not even fall under what I have identified as "conditioned" love above, even less as unconditional. All because I loved her, I tried, time and time again to forgive her, to point out her ways to her so she might change. These efforts were all dismissed as attempts to control her life. I became the bad guy in the relationship and my actions were the basis for the break up. Was this fair? No. Was this what I wanted? No. Was this what she wanted? Perhaps, from the very beginning maybe.

I should not be so quick to judge what she thinks. I should only write about what I know to be true. A moment ago, I was tempted to send her a message to tell her this truth: I still love her and I will never be fair to any girl I might meet for she will only be a replacement. I agree with my parents that I am a fool to have loved her and its only stupid to continue loving her when she has moved on with her life.

But stupidity is a component of falling in love isn't it?

Better in Time

It's been the longest winter without you

I didn't know where to turn to

See somehow I can't forget you

After all that we've been through

Going

Coming

Thought I heard a knock (Whose there, no one?)

Thinking that (I deserve it)

Now I have realised that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice

You mean everything (quickly I'm learning)

To love again (all I know is)

I'll be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's going to hurt when it heals too

Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile because i deserve too

Ooh (It'll all get better in time)

I couldn't turn on the TV

Without something that would remind me

Was it all that easy?

To just put us out your feeling

If I'm dreamin'

Don't want to let it (hurt my feelings)

But that's the past (I believe it)

And I know that, time will heal it

If you didn't notice

Well you mean everything (quickly I'm learning)

Ooh turn up again (all I know is)

I'll be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile because I deserve too

Ooh (It'll all get better in time)

Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)

This time I let you go so I can be free

And live my life how it should be (No No No No No No)

No matter how hard it is

I will be fine without you

Yes I Will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

Ooh (It'll all get better in time)

Even though I really loved you

I'm gonna smile cos I deserve too, yes I do(It'll all get better in time)

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too yeah

Ooh ooh (It'll all get better in time)

Even though I really loved you

Going to smile cos I deserve to

Ooh (It'll all get better....)

Dreams, are my Reality

I live in a dream. I survive in an imagination. All because I could never bring myself to see you again in real life.

I dreamt of you last night. It was a beautiful memory, a montage perhaps of all the times we spent together. It led on to what it could have been, an impossible future. But that's why it is called a dream, why I use the word "impossible". It will never happen.

You seem content with your life, busy working on assignments, completing projects that you must. Now I can't even find you online; you don't want me to be even able to take a glance at your profile picture. Why?

Sometimes I wish we had met in a different circumstance. I wish that we had just remained friends, perhaps even good friends. I wish we had never gotten together, never spent those times we did, never became as close as we were.

I should stop using the word "we".

The irony lies in the fact that I am only wishing such things precisely because I became close to you, I spent those times with you, I had gotten together with you. I became more than a good friend to you, I became more than a friend to you. Friends don't hurt this badly even when they fall out with each other. But you were, and still are, more than a friend to me.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

I used this quote once, twice. When dreams are the only reality I want then, how does this quote apply? I have reached a point where I know thinking will only make things worse. I know that I have to deaden myself to these emotions, these wishes, these hopes, knowing that they will always only be what they are - dreams.

I will work hard in all that I do now not because I want to but because I have to. I will go away in less than two years, move away from everything here that reminds me of you. I won't come back till I am completely sure that my heart no longer aches for you.

In achieving other aspirations then, I will forget this past reality and these impossible dreams. You've left your mark; I hope you're happy.