Today was an important date to me. Important enough for me to justify staying up till the first moment of today, just because.
Today my parents decided to walk along the coastal path along Changi. It was at this very boardwalk that I had my last private and intimate moment with her.
The sea, lined with trees, so ubiquitous yet such a familiar sight.
I can't stop thinking about her.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
What is this feeling?
I have forgotten how it feels like to look forward to seeing a single person. I have forgotten how it feels like to read messages from that same person. I have forgotten how it feels to be the first and last person that person talks to everyday.
I am trying to find it again. I want to experience what I once did. I want to feel again.
But yet with this yearning comes this doubt, a doubt about whether what I felt was true. Was I right to term it love? Or was I completely wrong? Do I want to go through the whole cycle, culminating in a bitter breakup and losing a friend?
It is not easy being someone average. To try so hard just to fall so much harder? Sometimes I wonder "what's the point?" Today, even as I went about my daily duties, I thought about a girl. A beautiful, wonderful, kind and nice girl. I could never lose her as my friend.
I will not try, because I am afraid of losing her the way I lost the other. I will not attempt, because I know it will not be fair to her even if it works out.
I will suffer, struggle and survive alone. I do not need someone to be beside me all the time, just someone to be there for me whenever I need him/her.
This is my vow, my prayer, my plea. Give me the strength to do what I need to do and the courage to let go the things I must.
I love you, as a friend. I will never know if I can love you as anything more.
I am trying to find it again. I want to experience what I once did. I want to feel again.
But yet with this yearning comes this doubt, a doubt about whether what I felt was true. Was I right to term it love? Or was I completely wrong? Do I want to go through the whole cycle, culminating in a bitter breakup and losing a friend?
It is not easy being someone average. To try so hard just to fall so much harder? Sometimes I wonder "what's the point?" Today, even as I went about my daily duties, I thought about a girl. A beautiful, wonderful, kind and nice girl. I could never lose her as my friend.
I will not try, because I am afraid of losing her the way I lost the other. I will not attempt, because I know it will not be fair to her even if it works out.
I will suffer, struggle and survive alone. I do not need someone to be beside me all the time, just someone to be there for me whenever I need him/her.
This is my vow, my prayer, my plea. Give me the strength to do what I need to do and the courage to let go the things I must.
I love you, as a friend. I will never know if I can love you as anything more.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Dancing Through Life
Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth.
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
Is this me?
You're perfect,
You're perfect,
So we're perfect together.
I have come to terms with what I am going through. I will never try to find someone to be perfect with. With each passing day, I become weaker and less able. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
It is a happy song, no doubt. But there is a sad feeling of regret, loss and resignation when I listen to it.
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth.
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
Is this me?
You're perfect,
You're perfect,
So we're perfect together.
I have come to terms with what I am going through. I will never try to find someone to be perfect with. With each passing day, I become weaker and less able. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
It is a happy song, no doubt. But there is a sad feeling of regret, loss and resignation when I listen to it.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Going
After today's test, it would seem that my chances of getting the university I really want are extremely slim. Hoping that what a senior said is completely true - that all the people that get into the university do not think that they deserve to. A veritable disease, as they term it.
Yet, the possibility of me leaving this place might be closer and larger than I had imagined. If what my dad said today comes to fruition, I could definitely be bound for another land.
It would be painful to leave this much past behind and to leave the familiar landscapes, buildings, people. Truly, it is impossible for me to imagine a new life somewhere else, to forge new relationships and let old ones fade. No way can the Internet replace face-to-face conversation or replicate the intrinsic feeling of the physical presence of someone that you love and care for.
But if I do leave, I would want to start anew. To start fresh and forget all the possibilities, those seized and those lost.
Do I want to go? I once mentioned that my head said no, and my heart said yes (to something else of course). Today I know, my heart says yes.
It says no too.
Yet, the possibility of me leaving this place might be closer and larger than I had imagined. If what my dad said today comes to fruition, I could definitely be bound for another land.
It would be painful to leave this much past behind and to leave the familiar landscapes, buildings, people. Truly, it is impossible for me to imagine a new life somewhere else, to forge new relationships and let old ones fade. No way can the Internet replace face-to-face conversation or replicate the intrinsic feeling of the physical presence of someone that you love and care for.
But if I do leave, I would want to start anew. To start fresh and forget all the possibilities, those seized and those lost.
Do I want to go? I once mentioned that my head said no, and my heart said yes (to something else of course). Today I know, my heart says yes.
It says no too.
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