What is this feeling?

I have forgotten how it feels like to look forward to seeing a single person. I have forgotten how it feels like to read messages from that same person. I have forgotten how it feels to be the first and last person that person talks to everyday.

I am trying to find it again. I want to experience what I once did. I want to feel again.

But yet with this yearning comes this doubt, a doubt about whether what I felt was true. Was I right to term it love? Or was I completely wrong? Do I want to go through the whole cycle, culminating in a bitter breakup and losing a friend?

It is not easy being someone average. To try so hard just to fall so much harder? Sometimes I wonder "what's the point?" Today, even as I went about my daily duties, I thought about a girl. A beautiful, wonderful, kind and nice girl. I could never lose her as my friend.

I will not try, because I am afraid of losing her the way I lost the other. I will not attempt, because I know it will not be fair to her even if it works out.

I will suffer, struggle and survive alone. I do not need someone to be beside me all the time, just someone to be there for me whenever I need him/her.

This is my vow, my prayer, my plea. Give me the strength to do what I need to do and the courage to let go the things I must.

I love you, as a friend. I will never know if I can love you as anything more.