At Peace (Finally)

I had remarked that there were two emotions that would implore me to blog twice in a day: happiness and sadness. Today I have to add another: peacefulness.

Ever since my sudden revelation about my faithlessness earlier today and my resolve to put my all in my Lord and Saviour, I am at peace with myself, with her and with everything that goes on around me. I guess the burden that I have been trying to bear on my own has been lifted by God and my life seems so much lighter, brighter and more beautiful than it ever was before.

No, it doesn't mean that I am no longer hurting because I lost someone I loved. It hurts as badly as it did before. I will cry when I think of her, when I remember everything I had and lost. But now I am no longer angered, embittered or devastated by the reality of the situation because I know this hurt is in God's plan for me and it will pass with the passage of time.

No, I will not forget her completely or even just a little bit. She was placed in my life by God to show me the errors of my ways, and she brought me back to God in different ways. When we were together, her faith and zeal for God breathed life back into my Christian life. I could not ask for anything more than the fellowship and support we had. We made mistakes and when we broke up, I hated God for doing that to me and I idiotically resolved to never look to Him for His plan anymore. Now I know that even this tiny monumental step in time was ordained by Him and His plan is slowly being revealed to me. God shall be the centre of my life from now on and everything I do will be for his glory.

I have been a blessing in her life, by her admission and not mine. As I continue on with my job in the army, continue being the tutor of 4 students, I want to continue being a blessing in others' lives. A tad ego but a goal nonetheless.

I rhetorically asked in an earlier post if I would ever find love again. "No", I adamantly answered. Perhaps this will be true but who can say this certainly this soon? It does not matter to me anymore if I find someone who loves me on this Earth. I will continue loving others the way I love her and God's love will be sufficient for me. If I do find love again? That will be a bonus but one I can live without.