Tomorrow I will be taking a taxi down to CMPB to take pictures of interviewees, for publishing in an army publication that most NSFs view as propaganda. Pictures for a publication headed by an editor who treats us as "ikan bilis", our work deemed as not good enough for his expectations. Tomorrow I will be saying the exact same thing about tomorrow's tomorrow. Because there will be no difference for the rest of these two years (or 592 days to be exact).
I have a university position waiting for me in a local university but it is not for a course I want. I know I will be miserable there and nothing will motivate me to stay here and graduate from that double degree. Seeing my friends expand their horizons in the same field that I wish to be in brings me pangs of regret. It brings me back to the time when I had the chance to be a part of it all: the lessons, the breaks, the stress, the fun.
Till today, it has been four long months and I still wonder why I didn't make it then. Am I really not good enough? I have never excelled, always second best in competitive situations. This doubt holds me back even as I submit my application to the best (presently) university in the world for a course that even the best students in the world get rejected from. 22 positions - what are my chances? The other universities I am applying to are not any better, each with around 20 places for international medical students.
I have been told time and time again that I am a bright student, someone with the potential to go to the best universities, to possibly change the world or at least peoples' lives with my abilities. Yet external validation does little to change this little self-belief I have. I am told that I am able. 4 months ago, my confidence was shattered by a variety of circumstances. I do not feel that I am able.
I do not know where I am going or how I am going to get to this unknown place. I worry now that I am not up to medicine (what if they saw it, rejecting me because of that?) and if not medicine, what do I do?
Have you even been on a boat, out in the middle of the ocean and just completely surrounded by never ending bodies of water? Where you can look out and only see water touching the sky? I am being spun around by the waves, tossed by the currents and though I know where I am now, I do not know which shore I will beach on. My outer self seems clear about situations. I have counselled others on their own confused states, advised them on the paths to take out of their problems. This was to the point that others deemed me wise. Inside however, I am perhaps more confused than all of them put together. I see my horizons; I do not know where they will lead.
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It just occurred to me that such feelings of being lost and uncertainty might just be a sign that I have to turn to God. Out of the blue, I was given this memory of Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The paragraphs above seem pointless now that I remember this verse. It would seem that I diverged from God's path 4 months ago. After I broke up with her, after I was rejected, after going through all the things that the army made me do, I think I really forgot who is upholding me till now.
Though now I remember that God's plan is the perfect one for me, I still cannot help by ask why I have to continue on blind faith. Ironic perhaps, but one must be faithful to continue having faith. Faith builds up and when grown strong, it cannot fail. Faith that faith works helps I guess. God has an outline, an unknown syllabus for me. My horizons are still unknown but I just have to attend the lessons He puts me through, and I shall come forth as gold.
I know that this blog is called reminisce, the URL being http://toforget-impossible.blogspot.com. Now, I know that the grace of God will change all that. I may not need to reminisce any more, I will, in time, forget all my past. God, my future is in your hands now. Keep me and glorify your own name through me. Thank you for giving me these sudden answers, these revelations to my thoughts.
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