There is another reason for me to want to go. It is a reason bigger than the compulsory service I am doing currently. It is a reason, perhaps the only reason right now that would make me want to leave.
It breaks my heart to say this, but I want to go away because you are here. Yes, you know who you are if you ever do chance across this blog.
In one stroke I lost much I held dear and hoped for. In one month actually, and it was the worst month I was going through in national service. Distraught, stressed, angst - these words would not have been able to describe the mental state I was in that week. I silently cried, every single night, with tears that would not fall. I had to suck it up, take it all as it came: the pain from the break up, the disappointment and sadness from the rejection, the berating and scolding from my superiors. I had to put on a face, to appear like nothing was wrong. On the inside though, I was writhing and wincing from the pain that came from within.
1 month that made a whole difference to what I believed in. I believed that there was such a thing called care. Now I realise I can care for others but there will never be any reciprocity. I believed that there was such a thing called trust. With so much betrayal, how can I expect to trust anyone from now on? I believed that there was such a thing called concern. I guess that exists only in an adulterated form.
I believed that there was such a thing called love. Now I don't.
I wish, I wish upon a star that I can believe again in love. I'll do that better if nothing around me is familiar, I don't know anyone and I can start again. A new chapter, in academics, in social life, in love, in life. Will I find that overseas? Or is it the memory that counts, that determines this ability to forget the past and to forge a new future?
I wish I had missed the first time we kissed cause you broke all your promises.
I cannot be your friend, never again. I think that is what hurts me the most because I never trusted anyone with more than a portion of my heart till I met you. I gave you my all. It was a mistake and as they say, a mistake is a lesson. I have learnt, I have grown wiser but a little more disillusioned with the world around me. I don't think I'll ever try to find friends any more and I'll keep those I have right now at arms length because of you.
I keep trying to escape from the pain. But with something that stems from within, that comes from my entire heart, my entire being, will there ever be true relief? Can metaphorical glue or tape hold the pieces of my heart together? How long will I need to heal? Is there a place where I can go to recover faster? Scars can still hurt you know.
I have learnt that it is possible to hate love, no matter how oxymoronic it might seem. I guess the real question I keep asking myself is this: will I ever love again?
The answer? No.
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