Waiting

1 week since I've last spoken to her. It will soon be 1 month, then 1 year, then a lifetime. I am waiting for something, I just don't know what it is. Am I looking for closure? Am I seeking life to pass faster so that the end comes quicker? So that I will not have the suffer this pain for that long?

Maybe that something will never exist. Sometimes, I wish her happiness, for her to move on with her life contented without me. At others, I cruelly wish that she cries for me, to move on without loving another. Yet I know this will never happen. So quickly, she has moved on without me, it was something she already wanted for a long time. She is happy, she is alive. Without me. Did she cry for this loss as much as she did for her past experiences? Do I really want to know?

I didn't want it to come down to this. I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her for a second time. I had her present picked out, I had already planned to buy it.

I am waiting forever. For an endless pain to disappear.